I still love you, i am sorry

Hey.

I have quite a bit to say, but am unsure of what to pen down. Anyway, thank you to those of you who listened to me rant about my nonsensical issues and stuff. So yeah I am grateful there are still fantastic friends around me who.. well just gave me their ears.

I must admit, I lost my cool quite a few times. It was.. ugly. So like what some of you have enlightened me on, things were, maybe, heading this way all along. In a relationship, I believe both parties are at fault for any issues, big or small. Communications or whatever, takes both person to be able to exist in the first place.

I was really angry, and kind of hated her for all of these. Naturally, I blamed her, for almost everything. Well, it was like an anger displacement phase. Haha. I shouldn't have done that. Then again, having everything cooped up is quite unbearable. So yeah. She was right, we had our issues all along, but we didn't managed to resolve it. Maybe things wouldn't have been this way if both of us had tried to address those problems way before. We both had our issues, but we just, I don't know, sit back and prayed? Hoping that everything will go away by itself. Haha unfortunately, I guess if you let a cavity grow in your tooth, someday your tooth will fall off. And that's what happened. So I do sincerely apologise for all those accusations made towards me. I won't admit that all of those are true, but maybe I could have done better rather than denying it. Since, well, if she had those feelings, then somewhere must have gone horribly wrong.

Jean. Hmmm. I can't say how I really feel about her. I don't know. I really hated her in the beginning. Well, she's the one she is now with. And there's this 'girl' thing. I guess it just hits harder when your girlfriend leaves you for another girl. Maybe that is an overstatement, but yeah you guys know what I am talking about. Then again, she managed to expose how weak our relationship was. And it kind of says something, doesn't it? Things happened really fast. Maybe I didn't grab hold of the whole situation and reacted badly to it. That's why we are at this state we are at today. But seriously, from an objective perspective, you must agree with me that she's.. formidable. Well, she isn't really someone easy to understand and hang out with to be honest, but she managed to make her, lose her head over her. Haha. Somehow I wished that happened to me. Maybe it did, and I didn't appreciate it. To be really honest, I am bitterly jealous. I am sure most of you will know why. I still kind of believed that my efforts were under-appreciated, but then again, it also depends on how she viewed it. Maybe I shouldn't have enforced such a one-way fatal thinking. Okay back to her. I still, have my doubts over her. No doubts about it. But I guess if she is really capable of making her happy, at least for a little while, then maybe everything's really worth it. As far as I have know, she wasn't entirely happy or unhappy with me. I guess if someone can really do that, then maybe its the best for her. I just hope she don't pulls out on her easily. Yeah. After all these, I don't really hate her, I guess. It's still negative towards her but, I suppose everything happens for a reason. And I don't have the right to blame her I guess. I don't even know her. Hahaha. I guess the finger-pointing is back to me.

And really, I want to apologise to our common friends out there. It isn't a pleasant thing to be stuc in the middle of both of us. I understand the pressure and difficulties that you all have experienced. So I do sincerely apologise, and thank you all for standing together with me and her. I do have one final request though. She really needs all your support now. She has made her decision, and as a friend I think we should all be supportive about it. She's just trying to be happy, I guess through a very difficult path. It will be fatal for her to shut off against us and coop up with herself. I am not trying to be some sacrificial hero or shit, but seriously, those who knows her well enough will agree with me. So can we just put what happened in my r/s aside and be objective towards, well being friends with her, and maybe help her through this. I am sure she's not taking this easily also, she's just not showing it. The two of us are quite good at hiding emotions. Haha. That's another bad point we should have addressed. Not the main point, Peck.

So yeah.

Oh, and don't worry too much about it. I said 'too much', means you all still must worry a little. I am selfish, I do want people to care about me. Hahaha. This will be the first and last time I will admit to that.

So, tata. (:

I am sorry, and I still love you. All the best.