i cry

Tonight is the night, I cry. It is so uncontrollable I have no idea how to stop it. But tonight's the night.

I managed to get it together and told a few psych peeps that I am single. They were all shocked and said I still looked so cheerful and happy. Indeed, I am always looking cheerful and cracking jokes when I get the chance. But I am actually feeling numb and lost. I can't even see sad, till tonight.

Tonight I know about you and her. And from what I know, you do treat her better than me. You trust her more, you think she's nice, you try to be understanding towards her... all in all, you just treat her better than me. Even though she told on you about the secret you have been keeping, you are still trying your best to be understanding. Tonight you said that some behaviors of someone was ridiculous. It reflected your actions. I told you, you behaved like her. You agreed it's ridiculous. Tonight, it's the first time I actually hear from you that you like her. Tonight is the night I told you how I felt. How unfairly I felt I was treated. Tonight, you just confirmed to me how bad you really were to me. The worst part of it, you told me you agreed with me. You admitted you were treating me badly and you are sorry. Seriously, what's the whole point in telling me this, only now?

All that's going through my head now, is why did this happen? How can this happen to me? Why am I deserving of all this nonsense?

What's the point of being a good guy, when the labels like 'insensitive' a bad guy has, can make you forgive him easier? WHY THE FUCK M I STILL TRYING TO BE THE GOOD GUY. I MIGHT AS WELL BE LABELLED CRAZY AND DO ALL SORTS OF NONSENSE SO THAT EVERYONE CAN GIVE IN TO ME.

When you are sad, people send you sweets and chocolates to cheer you up. What about me? Why am I not the victim here? Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I just wish, someone will just hug me and tell me he or she loves me, for who I am to them. When was the last time you did that? I can't even remember. All I really want, is some appreciation and love to show that whatever I've done is not in vain. Why? Why are you treating someone you just knew better in less than 2 weeks so much nicer than me? Why doesn't anyone love me. Why.

Ever since Primary school, my parents left me on my own. They were illiterate, so I don't blame them for not helping me out. But ever since then, I been living on my own, going through all what adolescents go through. And finally I thought I found the answer. If I love someone for who they are, they will reciprocate right? And that's how I found my philosophy. And that's how you see me.

There's something I never told anyone, although I already knew.

I really don't know how to love.

Anymore.

In tears, I will be.