life sucks

Life is not as good as it was before.

It has been a hell of a past few days. Everything crumbled. What did I do wrong,? Why do I need to go through this? These questions just keep flooding in. I don't even know what's real, I don't even know what's going on at all even though I am heavily involved. I feel more like a supporting character in a play, just awaiting the cue and act accordingly to the lead actors. There are just so many things I can pick upon but it doesn't really matter. If things won't improve, then it won't. I don't really know what to expect anymore.

It sucks. I hate her. I hate her for ruining everything. Fine, it can be my fault that it happened in the first place. But I hate her. I hate her guts and lack of ethics. There is so much anguish and rage I can just kill someone. Nobody has ever played out on me before. It sucks to know that things can so easily be shattered. It sucks to know that all my effort doesn't seem to pay off. It sucks to know that despite whatever I did, it still didn't made you feel worth it. I came to believe in hope and faith. Now those are just myths of the past. I don't believe in them anymore.

I feel cheated. I can never fall for another person that quick. It took me ages to get over one, in which now I have another.It sucks that I was prompted to take up that option. It sucks to know that no matter how much I think about you daily, it probably will not make a difference. It sucks to know that when I am hurt like this and I needed time, nobody might allow me any. It sucks to know that I will be alone in school the whole day, with no one to talk to, and it happens to be my longest day. It sucks to know that 3 years in NTU, there's actually no one available for me to call upon when I actually need people. I don't ask for much, but just when times like this, I shouldn't be left alone. Because this sick mind of mine will over-think. And I will overcompensate.

It sucks to know that I cried, but tears won't flow. It sucks to know I can feel myself crying. It sucks to know that I can feel that emotions, but I can't express them. It sucks to know that no matter how much I grieve, things will never be the same. It sucks not to be able to get my revenge. It sucks to know that I will be in this state for some time and nobody is going to notice. It sucks to see her walking past me and I cannot do a single fucking shit to her. And she just did. I will kill her. Someday I will. Nobody messes with me. If I have to kill someone again, I will.

Okay. I won't talk about this anymore.

On a side note, my parents have agreed to let me apply for bike lessons. I suppose it is a good change to begin with. Both my uncles died in bike accidents, hence there was always this aura of skepticism in the family. But I guess things do change. I will probably die in an accident a few years from now, but at least, I am doing something for a change. I will probably apply for lessons this weekend.

RT is giving me a lot of problems. I most likely will be charged for defaulting this programme. But seriously it's not my fault, and I can't really handle this shit now. So someday, I will find the strength to call the hotline, and tell them I can't do this anymore. Before that, I will break my leg and ask for a downgrade. Seems like a wonderful idea, right? Thanks for the support. I know you guys are out there.