beaten
I am back. Its has really been a week of high and low tides, and words can't simply describe them all. Today's the one of the few days I felt completely beaten and overwhelmed with despair and despise. Exposed down to my bare vulnerable innate self, where I felt helpless and all those confidence that I once had seemed to have dissipated into thin air.
I always thought I had a nice EQ, where I have no problems understanding people, consoling them when they are down and even providing them with adequate and substantial advices. But today, I couldn't do a single thing. On one hand, I was beaten by the fact that my last-ditched efforts were seemingly ineffective, and in the midst of recovering from that disappointment, I couldn't gather the strength and confidence I usually have to help someone dear to me in need. All I could do, was sit and listen to her sobbing, while another friend was talking to her. I wanted to do something, I tried, but I don't know how. Somehow those experiences that I had with others didn't prove encouraging enough to make me step up and tell her, "Its ok, life's like that, don't worry too much".
I very much try to be a bigger brother to every friend I have, but of course there are those whom I respected and treat them as more superior in certain aspects. Peng Keong, Xie Qiang, Chris Ze Jia, Marshall to name a few. I often look up to this people and become critical of my inability to be like some of them. But I lost that elder brother's feel today, and I felt guilty not to be able to be of any help.. Listening was all I could do, and tears swelled up in my heart as I see her cry. The anguish of seeing one of your loved deep in pain and worry yet being unable to make yourself useful is unbearable.
This is the 2nd time something similar has ever happened to me. Its more than just mere disappointment, its suffering a defeat under the hands of your own inferiority that makes me feel disgusted and sad. These kind of issues implict a hugh blow to my resolution in life and my determination can just falter away.
Weak. That's the word to describe me today. Of all those things I can tell others, of all those things I can show others, yet I can't do anything to prove to myself. I just hate myself for being so useless sometimes.
But now, one thing is for sure. I have bounced back from this defeat, and pretty much alive and back to same old liveliness after I have sorted out my thoughts.
I normally post such things somewhere else, not here, so please take it like you've never seen this.
I always thought I had a nice EQ, where I have no problems understanding people, consoling them when they are down and even providing them with adequate and substantial advices. But today, I couldn't do a single thing. On one hand, I was beaten by the fact that my last-ditched efforts were seemingly ineffective, and in the midst of recovering from that disappointment, I couldn't gather the strength and confidence I usually have to help someone dear to me in need. All I could do, was sit and listen to her sobbing, while another friend was talking to her. I wanted to do something, I tried, but I don't know how. Somehow those experiences that I had with others didn't prove encouraging enough to make me step up and tell her, "Its ok, life's like that, don't worry too much".
I very much try to be a bigger brother to every friend I have, but of course there are those whom I respected and treat them as more superior in certain aspects. Peng Keong, Xie Qiang, Chris Ze Jia, Marshall to name a few. I often look up to this people and become critical of my inability to be like some of them. But I lost that elder brother's feel today, and I felt guilty not to be able to be of any help.. Listening was all I could do, and tears swelled up in my heart as I see her cry. The anguish of seeing one of your loved deep in pain and worry yet being unable to make yourself useful is unbearable.
This is the 2nd time something similar has ever happened to me. Its more than just mere disappointment, its suffering a defeat under the hands of your own inferiority that makes me feel disgusted and sad. These kind of issues implict a hugh blow to my resolution in life and my determination can just falter away.
Weak. That's the word to describe me today. Of all those things I can tell others, of all those things I can show others, yet I can't do anything to prove to myself. I just hate myself for being so useless sometimes.
But now, one thing is for sure. I have bounced back from this defeat, and pretty much alive and back to same old liveliness after I have sorted out my thoughts.
I normally post such things somewhere else, not here, so please take it like you've never seen this.
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